You Can't Spell Love Without Crazy
by Meli-Loves-Haters
Summary: A tale of love, magic, stupidity, lust, digression, yaoi, insanity, sugar, spice, and everything nice.
1. Requiem for a Wanker

**A/N****I swear to Britannia Angel that I get my best ideas in the shower.**

**DISCALIMER**: I own nothing! I technically own the plot, but I doubt I'm the first one with the idea. I've never seen anything like this, but I'm sure it's been done.

**WARNING**: Weird pairing, Guyxguy nonsense, language, OOC-ness, and crack!

**PAIRINGS**: EnglandxRomano, mentions of AustriaxHungary, and various

**OTHER INFORMATION:** I based the way this was written on the idea that there is one time zone for all of Europe, and you are easily able to walk from country to country, as it is presented in the show itself. *Shrugs* So you can walk from Russia all the way to Spain in a matter of hours, if that makes any sense. ALSO; At the end of each chapter, I will put an awesome song that I love. I don't know why, but I will. :)

**SLANG/TRANSLATIONS:** "Jefe España" – Boss Spain [Spanish]

"Buono tomato. Buono tomato. Buono, buono, oh- tomato! Ci vediamo! Ah, Romano!" – Tasty tomato. Tasty tomato. Tasty, tasty, oh-tomato! See you! Ah, Romano! _(From his character song: Romano's Delicious Tomato Song) _[Italian] {"Buono" usually means good, but in this case it can mean tasty. I asked my mom, who grew up speaking Italian, and she said that it can mean "tasty" if used with food.}

"Wanker" – a person who jerks off, but Arthur calls everyone that [British]

"Nancy-boy" – a man who is rather effeminate and/or homosexual [British]

"Bollocks" – testicles, but is usually used as Americans use "Balls" to express surprise or dismay [British]

"Sod off" – piss off or fuck off [British]

"Bloody" – damned, or an equivalent to fucking but a tad less offensive depending on how it's used [British]

"Dago" – an insulting name for a Spaniard [British]

****You Can't Spell Love Without Crazy** Chapter: 1 Requiem for a Wanker **

_**Friday, July 16, 2011 8:54 AM: England's House**_

England sat cross-legged on the wooden floor in the darkest room of his entire home. Pale eyelids shielded the nation's emerald eyes from the faintly glowing purple design sketched onto the ground. The country's arms were hovering cautiously over the intricate circle-star, his mouth spewing a chant of what seems like nonsense to the untrained ear. Broken bits of what was once a chair were strategically placed in the exact center of the demonic pentagram, as they were the incentive the ritual of darkness was based upon.

:-:-:

_**Friday, July 16, 2011 8:54 AM: Somewhere around France**_

"Chigi! Get away from me, Tomato-bastard! It's way too early for this shit!" Romano called over his shoulder at the tanned man chasing him.

España laughed merrily, "I don't want to, Lovi! Come give Jefe España a hug!" Screw his minion's feelings, Antonio wanted a hug.

Lovino swore and blushed, his legs pumping him even faster as he propelled himself away from the too-cheerful Spaniard. That jackass desperately needed to figure out that the Italian isn't in love with him.

As the Southern half of Italy began growing tired, the 'tomato-bastard' far behind, he began to scout out a place to rest. As he examined his surroundings, Lovino began to recognize where he was; England's property.

He sighed thankfully; pleased he hadn't ended up near Switzerland's house. That man shot everything on site without question, after all. Shoot first, ask later. Romano had almost gotten his manly-bits shot off and does not wish for that to ever happen again...

_Lovino Vargas was fleeing from Spain—_ina situation almost identical to the one he was in currently_—when he stumbled upon Vash Zwingli's home. The blonde in question, along with Lichtenstein, was lazing around in the garden and sipping from a ceramic tea cup. When his green eyes locked with Lovino's amber ones, Switzerland already had his gun cocked at the Italian with Lili behind him. _

_The brunette held his hands up to signify that he was unarmed and peaceful, but the Swiss man shot at him nonetheless. Romano panicked and bolted as the blonde continued firing his shotgun at the distressed Italian. _

_When he successfully arrived back at his house, he finally gave his clothing the long-awaited inspection. It turned out that his dick had only been missed by a fraction of an inch. Twice. _

Needless to say, he no longer has those pants.

The nation studied the building that housed one of España's long-term enemies curiously, debating whether to pay England a visit or not. He ultimately decided he might as well go for it and burst in on the poor Brit. Antonio hates the owner of the house anyway, so it's not likely that the tomato-bastard will even suspect to find Lovi at Arthur's house.

The Mediterranean nation also chose to be a nuisance, so he crept around to the back of the house like a ninja and searched for an unlocked door or window of some sort.

To his immense pleasure, he located an open window after around a minute of what would make a hilarious clip montage. He smirked deviously as he hoisted himself through his lucky find.

As he began his trek throughout the foreign house, Romano hummed to himself to keep himself readily entertained. Searching for England seems to some pretty dull work. "Buono tomato. Buono tomato. Buono, buono, oh- tomato! Ci vediamo! Ah, Romano!" he sung to himself as he inspected the inside of the Brit's cupboard for something to snack on, preferably a delicious tomato.

To his dismay, the Italian found nothing that was suitable for consumption, but that is to be expected from England.

He merely groaned and slammed the pantry doors shut, grumbling as his stomach did the same. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to skip breakfast...

The nation continued his pondering as he resumed his wandering about the building.

After about ten minutes, the brunette's ears could faintly detect some awkward sounds emanating from a room that appeared to be farther down the hall he was exploring.

Lovino ambled closer to the source of the sound as he ceased his humming. At his arrival, he was met by a large, seemingly ancient door. A somewhat evil-sounding chant was seeping out from under the slab of wood, along with a suspicious purple haze. Curiosity dominating his common sense, the southern country practically kicked the door open.

:-:-:

_**Friday, July 16, 2011 9:48 AM: England's House**_

England's concentration shattered like glass as Lovino Vargas burst through the door of his Black Magic Chamber. The rambunctious intruder had begun screeching incoherent nonsense and gibberish as Arthur Kirkland slid his eyelids open and focused his irises on the brunette, who was freaking the fuck out.

This turned out to be an immense mistake on England's part.

The violet mist that had previously surrounded the splintered remains of Busby's chair dispelled instantly, only to rematerialize around the Italian's lithe body. The thickening cloud of purple began to swirl mercilessly around the trapped tsundere. Romano attempted to cry out, but his very breath was commandeered by the maelstrom of mauve.

Arthur Kirkland could only observe—quite helplessly—as his fellow nation was swallowed by the ravenous fog that he had conjured.

Soon after, however, the haze dispersed. This left a very naked and utterly different Lovi shivering on the hard wooden floor.

England fumed, "Oh bloody hell! What are you doing here, you wanker? And why are you naked? And why are you... A... Girl...?"

It took the nude nation a few moments to comprehend what had been spoken, but when _she_ did, all hell broke loose. "**I'M A WHAT? DON'T FUCK ME WITH ME, BASTARD!**" Romano roared, shooting up from her sprawled out position on the floor.

The Brit regained his composure swiftly, "You're a woman, you bloody nancy-boy."

With that statement, Lovi decided it was high time to look down at herself and see if what the island nation said was true.

She almost fainted when she saw the heavy, lightly tanned breasts protruding from her previously flat and somewhat toned chest.

She _actually_ fainted when she reached down and felt her own vagina.

"Oh bollocks," Arthur sighed angrily, excruciatingly pissed at himself for his weak resolve. If he had a stronger will, he could've kept his eyes shut.

The only functioning country in the room hefted his unconscious counterpart over his surprisingly wiry shoulder and carried the poor nation to a bedroom, still attempting to fully accept what kind of mess he had gotten his pale ass into. He didn't really know the other person too well, but that is no surprise. Neither of them have many friends. Maybe they'll find friends in each other...

Romano woke up around twenty minutes after she had blacked out from pure shock. To her extreme displeasure, she was still ass-naked and still very much a woman. The tsundere nation swore once again as Arthur strolled back into his room, a small tray of tea in his hands.

"You bastard! You did this to me on purpose! What the hell was that weird-ass chanting anyway?" the now female Italian demanded hotly as she pointed an accusatory finger at the Brit. Her impressive rage bubbled inside her like a volcano as she finally grasped the idea that something bad and possibly dangerous happened to her.

The magician in question's eyes narrowed dangerously, "Sod off! I was only trying to fix a bloody chair! You just decided to randomly burst in here and cause me to lose my concentration!" He absolutely loathed being accused of something he wasn't responsible for, and that was _exactly _what was happening in his biased eyes.

He cooled off quickly, however, and easily spoke more casually.

"I was also apparently changing the chair's gender as well," the blonde mused as an afterthought. He hadn't known that chairs even had genders; or that they were subject to change.

The brunette just remained silent as she came to terms with the new body and sex. The volcano's wrath diminished as she made peace with the fact that she was a woman. There was no helping it at that point, she decided ruefully.

Both the nations remained silent for a time, lost in the mazes of their thoughts.

A few moments later, one of England's two butlers knocked on the door, causing both the nations in the room to jump. "Sir? I have brought the clothing you asked me to. May I enter?" Edmund inquired respectfully from outside the wooden slab.

Romano yanked the comforter up to cover her previously exposed chest and gave Arthur a reluctant thumbs up. Might as well comply until they pissed her off once again.

"Yes, if you would, Edmund. Thank you very much."

At England's command, the politely smiling man clad in black swung the door open and strolled through it. He handed a light brown parcel to his employer and bowed swiftly. He then took his leave, after winking at the helplessly nude woman in the bed. The man was undoubtedly handsome with his curly short brown hair and sparkling cerulean eyes.

The butler only caused Lovino to blush even more excessively and the blonde man grinned knowingly at the Mediterranean nation's reaction to his trusty servant. "Here. These are some clothes Seychelles left at my home the last time she was here. They should fit you, if I'm not mistaken."

The brunette just nodded mutely and grasped the parcel, then gave the island nation an expecting glance.

"O-oh, right. I'll be outside. Call me back in when you're done," Arthur blushed profusely, more out of embarrassment of his own momentary stupidity rather than the thought of a naked _female_ South Italy.

Romano laughed somewhat mockingly, "Idiot. I don't want you to leave. I fucking need your help putting my goddamn bra on. I've never been a woman before, dumbass."

"Sod off! I was only being polite! Put your own bloody bra on."

"It's your damn fault I'm a woman! You better fucking help me!"

"Fine, but you better be kinder to me! I could give you to that dago Spain if you're too rude."

"You wouldn't fucking dare."

"Try me, pasta breath."

**_Awesome Song: This is Gonna Hurt by: Sixx: A.M._**


	2. He Blinded Me with Magic

**A/N ****This party's getting crazy!**

**DISCALIMER**: I own nothing! I technically own the plot, but I doubt I'm the first one with the idea. I've never seen anything like this, but I'm sure it's been done.

**WARNING**: Weird pairing, Guyxguy nonsense, language, OOC-ness, and crack!

**PAIRINGS**: EnglandxRomano, mentions of AustriaxHungary, and various

**SLANG/TRANSLATIONS: (Yes, I'm an American. That's why I'm translating slang; for myself and others who are too lazy to Google slang and translations.)**

"Ja" – yes [German]

"Chap" – usually used respectfully, but used sarcastically in this case [British]

"A tad" – equivalent to "a bit" [British, technically]

"Programmes" – British spelling of 'programs' [British]

**You Can't Spell Love Without Crazy Chapter: 2 He Blinded Me with Magic**

_**Friday, July 16, 2011 12:16 PM: England's House/Austria's House**_

"Hello Austria. Is Hungary there, by chance?" England inquired the snobbish man on the other end of the phone line.

Roderich Edelstein replied almost immediately, "Ja. Let me go get her." The brunette set the phone on the table beside the base and pranced off to locate his girlfriend.

"Elizaveta! England is on the phone for you!" He purred loudly as he popped his head into the girl's room.

Elizaveta Héderváry looked up from her book, "Hmn? England? Alright."

She clambered off her bed and ambled over to the phone, grasping it and bringing it up to her ear. "Hey, Arthur," she greeted the blonde cheerfully. It had been quite some time since she'd last spoken to the undeniably charming man.

"Hello, Elizaveta. I require your momentary assistance," the Brit replied swiftly, glad she was in a pleasant mood.

The brunette raised an eyebrow that the blonde couldn't see, "Oh? What do you need help with?" England asking for help is unheard of, so this of course piqued her interest.

"…I turned Romano into a girl by accident and I'm hoping you can give him some advice. He's completely clueless about everything that has to do with living as a woman. He has to be a female for a few days, because it'll take some time to regain all the magical energy I unintentionally used on him," England sighed despondently as he explicated his unfortunate predicament to the girl. His embarrassment levels were nearly off the charts—and he wasn't even the one transfigured into a chick.

Hungary was actually quite helpful with her explanations and advice. She gave instructions on how to dress, walk, put on makeup, and other things that assisted Lovino to function properly as a woman. Her last words before hanging up, however, mortified the pair of nations beyond everything.

"Also, I'd recommend pretending that you are a couple. Actually… I implore that you do. It would keep creepers like France and Prussia away from Romano as long as he's female. Alright, now it's a requirement."

Both the countries in Arthur's house froze as the other line went dead. They slowly turned to face each other, blushes creeping across their faces.

"W-well… I guess we should listen to Elizaveta… I mean, it does make a damn lot of sense…" Romano mumbled quietly as she fiddled with the collar of her light blue dress. It's not like dresses were anything new for the Italian, but it had been quite some time since she'd worn one.

England nodded in flustered agreement, "Y-yeah… I su-suppose so… so, uh, are we a couple now…?"

"Y-yeah! You're my boyfriend, Arthur! So prepare yourself. Got it?" Lovino confirmed, her face resembling one of the tomatoes she loves so much as she played with the auburn locks that reached her shoulders.

:-:-:

_**Friday, July 16, 2011 01:25 PM: England**_

Soon after they decided to become a pseudo-couple, the pair took to the streets of England. They had a week to slaughter, so they might as well spend time doing something entertaining, apparently like touring the posh country.

Anyway; now the duo was roaming around England's land—holding hands, of course, to become adjusted to keeping their image—and sightseeing.

"Hurry up, Lovino! It tickles like a whore!" Arthur whined childishly and fidgeted as the brunette used a pen from the bank they were in to draw a mustache on the pale man's index finger.

She just laughed and replied, "It'd be easier if the fucking pen wasn't nailed down."

"Oh, stop exaggerating. It's only _chained_ down," the blonde corrected his girlfriend playfully.

Once the mustache was completed, the couple exited the bank and skipped—yes, _skipped_—down the street, taking photographs of Arthur posing in front of different monuments with his finger under his nose. In one he seemed to be licking Big Ben, in another he appeared to be holding the London Bridge in the palm of his hand, in another he was taking a picture of Lovino taking a picture of him, and many more goofy yet fun things.

Romano decided that she wanted to be in some pictures as well. So they have shots of her pretending to eat the Victoria Memorial outside of Buckingham Palace, appearing to be pushing Stonehenge, faking being trapped in a phone booth, and tons of others.

The duo then began photo-bombing people. They would put bunny ears on people when they took pictures, sneak into large group photos, and Lovino even lifted her dress up over her face and jumped in front of an elderly couple's camera while they tried to take a nice shot of a double-decker bus.

After some time, they were finally caught by a middle-aged man with a magnificent mustache. "**WHAT THE FUCK DO YA THINK YA'RE DOING, YA DUMBASSES? WHO DA HELL SAID YA COULD BE IN OUR FUCKING FAMILY PHOTO?**" the man shrieked, causing the troublesome couple to cover their ears.

Lovino smirked, sadly the effect it usually had on people wasn't as intense as usual because of her state as a female, but it got her point across quite well nonetheless. "Problem?"

"You mad, bro?" Arthur continued, and then whispered to his girlfriend that he wished he had a trollface print-out with him. The brunette giggled in agreement as she pictured herself and her boyfriend snickering behind a flimsy paper with the trollface on it. The man fumed, his face turning red from anger.

The pair teamed up against the American tourist, locking their arms to signify this, and had a ten minute argument with their current opponent.

The adversaries went back-and-forth for ages; volume escalating with every breath.

When Lovino finally decided to call it quits, she lightly nudged her boyfriend in the ribs, and he ceased his incessant bickering with the intimidating redneck.

Romano rolled her amber eyes at the immature man, "Oh, chill, bastard. Let's go, Arthur." The duo was comprised of nations; they were allowed to be childish. It _is_ kind part of their jobs.

"Alright," England shrugged and agreed with his cheeky girlfriend. "By the way, old chap, I'm England. I would recommend that you respect me a tad more, because this is my turf. This entire island is my bloody land."

That effectively shut the guy up. He just glared at the handsome twosome then stalked off, mumbling what Lovi was sure were curses under his breath.

The couple just laughed their asses off and continued their picture-destructive rampage. It was the most either of them had ever had. Period.

It took some time, but they eventually grew bored of trolling the shit out of people. So they decided it would be a wondrous idea to hop onto one of London's famous buses and start a party. They got the entire population of the vehicle up and grooving while the pair themselves sang to their hearts content. This fiesta lasted over an hour, and by the end it was a dirty, sexy rave rather than the original PG-rated dance. Everyone was grinding; but no two people were grinding harder than our favorite magician and his… girlfriend.

They returned to Arthur's house once they got tired of the lighter and glow-stick filled mode of public transportation. The pair curled up on the couch—after they each took showers—and watched a couple hours of crappy British 'programmes' as they subconsciously cuddled. They went to bed once the clock struck midnight, which is adorably cheesy on their part. England kissed Romano's cheek before blushing and dashing into his bedroom that was directly across the hall from the girl's own room. Lovi smiled, in an astonishingly love-struck way, and raised her hand to caress her lightly tanned cheek.

The nation sighed longingly and retreated back into her bedroom.

_**Awesome Song: Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls**_


End file.
